Brian J. O’Connor: I’ve got your buns, America! What do I do with the extras? Global Business Catalog

Brian J. O’Connor: I’ve got your buns, America! What do I do with the extras?

Posted by Bailey Archdall | No Comments »

Here on the occasion of America’s birthday, I am proudly dedicating this column to the fight against oppression. I mean the kind of outrages that infringe upon our personal financial liberty. Like unfair bank fees, hidden contract terms and the practice wherein the greedy global baking cartel forces us to buy hot dog buns in packs of eight for our Fourth of July parties when hot dogs are sold in packs of 10.

So I have to buy TWO packages of buns. What the heck am I supposed to do with these six leftover buns?

I know it doesn’t rank with being forced to quarter troops in my home during wartime. Still, it’s annoying, which distracts me as a newspaper writer which, if you’ll permit me, raises vital First Amendment issues.

Because, if you can distract Detroit’s tallest personal finance columnist today with your diabolical hot dog bun conspiracy, tomorrow you’ll be shoving the editor of The New York Times into an orange jumpsuit and dragging her off to Gitmo.

Of wheat and wastage

So, clearly, the battle for America’s future will be fought in the baked goods aisle. And if the whole hot dog bun scheme isn’t an infringement on the First Amendment, then it probably violates the Interstate Commerce Clause or, at the very least, the Infield Fly Rule.

Getting back to the topic of this very hot dog-centric holiday, more than 64 percent of Americans will celebrate with a cookout, says the National Retail Federation, at an average cost of $61.16. That’s up 12 percent from last year. And while the federation doesn’t break out hot dog buns in that inflated figure (clearly, the NRF has been bought off by the baking cabal!) we do know that the rising price of commodities, including wheat, is partly to blame, which should prompt us to eliminate all unneeded U.S. bunnage.

Lots of dough on the table

Let’s do the math: An estimated 151.14 million adults will host or attend holiday cookouts. Say 10 folks go to each party, each having one hot dog, requiring the purchase of 15.1 million packages of hot dogs— and 30.2million packages of buns. The resulting bun overage: a whopping 90.7million. On sale at $1 per pack (stay with me now!) that’s $11.3 million of voided bunning.

Big money is clearly at stake here, involving the global commodities market, the shadowy baking mafia, and probably even the firms making those little clips that hold bread bags shut.

They won’t be happy that I’ve exposed the doughy underbelly of their vicious conspiracy. So I’ll be spending this Fourth of July down in my bunker. If you need me, I’ll be guarding my buns.

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